On the topic of depression…
Let’s get real for a moment.
On Thursday night, I lost my battle of keeping shit at bay. It hit me hard. My mask fell off and broke into pieces. The self-loathing. The disappointment that I am. The pain and guilt that comes with those. I am a terrible person my brain tells me. I should not be here it says. I should just give up and let it all go. Stop causing others pain. Stop disappointing everyone. Just stop.
This is depression. So many people just don’t understand it. Unless you live it, you have no idea what it’s like. There is no black and white with depression. There is only a lot of gray. You know what the truth and reality of life is, but when you are depressed your brain tells you a lot of lies and eventually you give in and you start believing those lies and they become the truth of your living.
Depression is not sadness. Depression is so much more. Depression is being scared, feeling guilty, self-loathing, and a whole lot of emptiness. I am all of these things. I am tired. Not just sleepy, but tired of everything. I have absolutely no motivation and no sense of being any longer. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to be a mom. I don’t want to be a wife. I don’t want to be. I am empty. And all of this makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty for needing a break from living for a while. My kids need me, my husband needs me, my job needs me. So in sets the self-loathing for disappointing everyone.
I have spent my entire weekend lying in bed. Trying to distract myself with books, TV shows, social media, anything really to get my mind off of everything I am and am not feeling. When I’m not distracted, I’m crying. I’m crying for being this person and not the person I should be. I’m crying because the pain of living is too much sometimes. I’m crying because I’m scared. I’m crying because my family is going on without me while I lay in bed and can’t do a damn thing. I’m crying because I’ve let everyone down.
Today is my son’s birthday and I have to try to make it feel like a great day, even when all I’m feeling inside is pain and emptiness. Today I’m trying to work through this. I’m hoping that by writing this all down, it will help make a difference. It’s Sunday, which means tomorrow I don’t have a choice but to get back to reality. I can’t lay in bed all day and cry. Somehow I have to get back to “normal” and put the mask back on. I have to go back to pretending I am okay and that my life is great. If only it were that easy.